BEST DISNEY MOVIES - Wrap-up Part 7

Where there is darkness, there is light. Where there is death, there is life. Where there is sadness, there is joy. Wher- wait, none of these things are true. They're just empty platitudes. But, at least on this blog, where there is a list of bad movies, there's a list of good ones. A list much harder to narrow down, which speaks well of the general quality of the films. So before we go on, the almost-made its. Honorable mentions: Bolt gave a very strong showing, and was far and away the best of their first dalliance with computer animation, but just missed the cut due to bland casting and a patchy story. Hunchback had great drama and fantastic music, and would have been on this list if it wasn't for the gargoyles. Seriously, they kept it off. Tangled held together very well, and is extremely rewatchable, but a bit too thin for the final tally. And now, the victors!

Pinocchio

A surprise early entry. You may recall my early enmity with the American Film Institute for mistaking age with quality, but this is one where they got it right. Sure, parts of it are a bit dated, and Jiminy Cricket is an annoying jerk, but the story has a surprising amount of heart and a nicely sinister edge, albeit one toned down from the book. 

Another Imaginary Collection of Compilation Films

Well, I’m sure you all saw this coming. After making the bad compilation, I decided to pick my favorite bit from each compilation film and pretend it was one movie. “Winnie-the-Pooh and the Blustery Day” is the centerpiece here, and we’ll close on “The Whale Who Wanted to Sing At the Met”. “El Gaucho Goofy” would be a solid opener, and we’ll throw in “Bumble Boogie”, “Johnny Appleseed”, “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice”, “Rhapsody in Blue”, and “Carnival of the Animals”, all hosted, of course, by Who Else But Deems Taylor.

Sleeping Beauty

While the story’s a little thin, the distinctive production design and Tchaikovsky score do more than enough to cover it. Add a fantastic villain, three unique and funny female protagonists, and baby, you got a stew going. And hey, the lovers may have been boring, but at least they actually had a conversation before getting married.

101 Dalmatians

This is one that really grew on me. The new animation style was used to great effect, and the characters are really likeable, and able to come off as real while still being cartoony. I think this was the first Disney film to use a really dark color palate, and it creates a great mood as the dogs escape, as do the loose and stylized backgrounds.

The Great Mouse Detective

One of Disney’s more successful cheapies, this has a great plot, a fantastic main character, and a whole lot of creative visual bits. And Vincent Price, which is an improvement in anything. Sure, it saved the studio and proved that animation was still viable and profitable after a long dark period, but more than that, it's just plain good.

Beauty and the Beast

Still the only of these films to be nominated for best picture, even now that they’ve expanded the category to allow pity nominations, this movie deserves it completely. Characters, music, and story are all fully realized here for the first time ever, and it holds onto the magic no matter how many times you view it.

The Lion King

Drawing on the tone and quality established by Beauty and the Beast, this movie is just a solid home run of actors, scripting, and especially characters. Amazing villain, and none of the sidekick characters feel extraneous to the plot. With only five songs, it’s a bit light on music, but holy crap, are they good songs.

Hercules / The Emperor’s New Groove

Oh, I’m cheating, I know. But these were both really solid comedies with strong voice acting and an extremely irreverent attitude toward anachronism. I couldn’t choose one, because each did its comedy admirably well, and one was strong on action and weak on drama while the other was strong on drama and weak on action. So I’m letting them share.

Tarzan

Speaking of strong on drama. Hoo boy. The impact of the family drama and the strong, serious, mature tone kept me on the edge of my seat the whole time I was watching. Add excellent, naturalistic voice acting and that Phil Collins score that worked far better than it had any right to, and you’ve got a real hidden treasure.

Lilo and Stitch

I’m not ranking these, but this is the number one, hands down. The clever script, the emotional punch, the imaginative animation, it’s solid gold from start to finish. Top that off with maybe the best cast ever and a deft use of Elvis tunes, and you’ve got the best movie of the 52.

Treasure Planet

Okay, okay, I’ll be the first to admit this movie probably isn’t all that good. But like its fellow attempt at sci-fi drama, Atlantis, there’s an ambition to it and a sense of gusto that are able to work together and spackle over a whole lot of cracks in the story, and unlike Atlantis, the story was only cracked, not riddled with crevices of goofy-ass inanity. In the end, the brilliant design and great voice work win me over. Style over substance? A bit. But when the style is this good, it should be recognized.

The Princess and the Frog

Some of you may be surprised to see this on here over more classic films, and I almost am, too. But the excellent characters, score, and design really push it up in my estimation. I love the music, I love Dr. Facilier, and the voice cast is one of the best they’ve ever had. Quite an underrated film in my opinion. 

Winnie-the-Pooh

Once again, amazing casting and music, this time with a clever script that just does not stop for a moment. As a big Winnie-the-Pooh fan going back to my childhood, this is everything I want in a Pooh movie. It’s sweet and unpretentious, and just so full of life and joy. I’ve rewatched it more times than any other movie this year, and I imagine I will continue to do so.

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WORST DISNEY MOVIES - Wrap up part 6

Well, it has come to this. The end of the line. The final judgments. The cream and the crap. This list and the next are pretty self-explanatory. In animation, writing, acting, and just plain how much I enjoyed it, which are the best films of the 52, and which are the worst? We'll start with the bad so we can end on a high note. Here it is - the Bottom 13 Disney Films.

Dishonorable mentions first - Brother Bear had a really strong opening act that exploded into crap pretty quickly. But while the last two thirds were some of the worst stuff I saw all year, the beginning and the very end lifted it above the pack. Bambi narrowly missed the list largely by being not worth remembering, and while Meet the Robinsons was often dull as dishwater, it had enough laughs to carry me through. These others were not so lucky.

Dumbo

As much as Snow White annoys me, it’s not really that bad, and gets a broad pass for being a whole new art form. No such excuse for this tedious pile. Being a cheapie cranked out to turn a profit isn’t always a bad thing, I’ve got two cheapies on the top list, but you shouldn’t be able to feel it. And this joyless mess feels like a rush job all the way.

An Imaginary Compilation of Compilation Films

When compiling my good list, I considered the compilation films, but most of them had long segments that I did not at all care for. So I figured I’d make my own for the bad list. We open with the Ave Maria from Fantasia, then go to “Without You”, “Trees”, “Pecos Bill”, “The Flying Gauchito”, and “Piano Concerto 2”, all intercut with shots of Disney animators wandering around Central America, smoking and being patronizing.

Fun and Fancy Free

This compilation, on the other hand, never stood a chance. While the shorts offer some good moments, as  whole, this compilation is a misfire. Short one is draggy, short two is hacky, and the framing links are filled with creepy Charlie McCarthy and that jerkhole Jiminy Cricket.

Alice in Wonderland

While Disney had some success in the ‘90s adapting unadaptable material, that was not the case here. With no plot, no characters, and a script that removes much of Carroll’s cleverness and inserts banal crap, this is one that just doesn’t work.

Peter Pan

This film fails on every level. Sadly, its failure mostly takes the form of being flat and boring. At least some of these had the decency to fail interestingly. Sure, it rarely fails to such an extent that it’s bad, but that means it fails most of all to make any impact, which might be worse. And the extended salute to racism doesn’t help matters. Love that Captain Hook, though.

The Sword in the Stone

It’s nothing more than a desperate attempt to recapture the old fairy-tale magic, and it feels like it. Lousy animation, ludicrous directing choices, and a colossally boring screenplay. The only parts anyone remembers are completely superfluous to the plot, and aren’t that good anyway.

The Aristocats

I get it, Walt had just died, and you’re at a bit of a loss. That’s no excuse for cobbling together this grating collection of horrible scenes, embarrassing animation, and abysmal humor. Also, more racism. While I have seen worse Disney films since this came up on the list, it was certainly worse than anything that came before it.

Robin Hood

While mostly a middling film, and one that would suffice well enough for most kids, the astonishing amounts of recycled animation, all-over-the-place screenplay, and regrettable sissy villain put this one firmly in the bottom quarter. Songs are okay, though, and there’s some decent performances. A dubious honor, but it’s probably the best film on this list.

The Black Cauldron

Oh, such high hopes I had. A forgotten classic, unappreciated in its time? I wish. While Again, I’m not ranking these, this would definitely be in the bottom three. A whiny, ineffectual hero, annoying, do-nothing sidekicks, a hackneyed, clichéd villain - I could keep going, but I’m running short on adjectives. The only entertainment I got from it was the ongoing bewildered contest I had in my head over who was the most annoying character. Probably Flooder.

Pocahontas

If this had come out with no fuss, it still would have been a lousy movie, but it might have just missed the list. But they were so sure that it would turn out to be their next majestic, legendary classic that there’s a layer of completely unfounded confidence spread thickly over the whole film that makes it incredibly annoying and pretentious as well as boring and inaccurate. And also really terrible. Okay, it still would have made the list. And way too much dramatic cliff posing.

Dinosaur

While the visual conceit was a fine idea, ambition outstripped ability on the animators’ parts. And since that animation was apparently intended to compensate for the deathly dull script and abysmal voice acting, I feel no qualms sending this Land Before Time knockoff into extinction. D.B. Sweeney, you should be more ashamed of yourself than I presume you usually are.

Home on the Range

This one has grown on me SLIGHTLY since I first watched it, but I can still say it’s well entrenched among the worst. It’s flat and boring at the best of times, and so frequently switches to being just annoying. A decent set of villains and some fun designs do nothing to pull it out of the bottom of the barrel. I have no use for a movie that can't find a use for Buscemi.

Chicken Little

This is not only the worst movie on this list, but ranks among the worst movies I have ever seen. And I own From Justin To Kelly on DVD and have seen it over a dozen times. The writing is flat and dull and horrible, the characters are artistically offensive stereotypes, the actors are absolutely wasted, and the animation is a failed experiment from a studio not ready for 3D.

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HOTTEST DISNEY DUDES - Wrap up part 5

Well, I knew that if I was going to make a hottest ladies list, I would have to make a hottest guys list, too. No problem there at all. However, while I can analyze the objective attractiveness of a guy, I lack the important qualification of actually being attracted to them, so I farmed this one out, taking to the social media and asking straight ladies, gay dudes, and bisexuals of all genders which Disney men were the hottest. Since this one was determined by vote, this will be the one list not in chronological order.

There were a number of interesting choices that were voted on by one or two people, which meant they wouldn't make the list. But I did want to acknowledge them, because there's a huge diversity of options out there, and I wanted to celebrate the more unusual choices. Some were very unusual, but hey, no judgments here. So first of all, my "oddball choice" honorable mentions:

Mufasa
Ratigan
Clopin
Dr. Facilier
Dopey
The Tramp

And my "almost made it" honorable mentions, from the folks that came close to getting on the list that just didn't get the votes they needed:

Prince Phillip
Basil of Baker Street
John Smith's little friend Thomas

And finally, my "HOW COULD YOU HURT ME LIKE THIS" award, for the man nobody voted for:

Deems Taylor

But enough bonus awards and door prizes! It's time for the main event. The top 13 hottest Disney men, as determined by you, the readers! And it's technically a top 14, because the bottom two were tied!

Jafar

Um… I said no judgments, right? Ah… Okay, I can kind of see this, and I did expect to see a villain on here. I just didn’t expect this guy, who’s pretty damn sleazy. But I guess something in him spoke to a surprising number of ladies. I guess his confidence and smoothness and… height? Well, it could be worse. When the Nostalgia Chick solicited her viewer’s opinions on the hottest animated guys, they put Frollo on the list. *shudder* Anyway, if you are one of the weirdos who's into Jafar, I should let you know that I learned in my GIF search that he's apparently being played by Naveen Andrews on Once Upon a Time and Tumblr is very excited about that.

Kronk

This one surprised me a little, as the real giant beefcake types tend not to be representative of women’s desires. But it makes sense that the one who made the list is not someone like Gaston, but someone who is considerate, friendly, and the funniest character in the movie.

Jim Hawkins

It appears their attempt to make the most 90s-est person ever successfully appealed to my survey sample, most of whom were kids in the 90s. With his center-part, shaved sides, and rat-tail, not to mention his x-treme sports, this guy’s such a 90s bad boy he makes Shawn Hunter look like Wally Cleaver. Look at him brood. Look at his earring. You folks just ate it up.

David Kawena

This, on the other hand, I totally get. He’s pleasantly goofy, he has a hot surfer body, and a good sense of humor. Even more importantly he’s respectful of Nani in his pursuit of her. He doesn’t mind that he essentially has a kid, and doesn’t ignore or dismiss Lilo, instead showing her affection and attention as well. He even helps Nani get a job. And he canonically has a nice butt and fancy hair.

Robin Hood

This one I totally get, too. The swashbuckling action hero is certainly a popular type, and as a kid - most of the people who voted for him noted, perhaps a bit defensively, that it was the “childhood crush” variety - someone who embodies that trope in a non-aggressive way while resembling your furry stuffed toys is going to inspire affection in you. It’s called non-threatening masculinity, it’s very common, and it’s why Hanson got so popular.

Tarzan

This one’s easy to figure out. He’s got a ridiculously good body, he respects Jane while at the same time freeing her from the rigid restrictions of her life, he loves his mother, and he’s got a ridiculously good body.

Hercules

Our second representative from the world of beefcake, and again, a charming, caring, and innocent type. When I wrote about Shang in my Mulan review, I said he was the first Disney guy to be sexualized and viewed through a female gaze. But that’s not really true, I realized later. While it’s mostly played for laughs, the women of this movie unapologetically drool over Hercules, so it’s really no surprise to see him here.

Naveen

Speaking of no surprise, here’s a smooth operator with a cool accent who dances, plays the ukulele, speaks at least three languages, fully commits to his love at great personal cost, and he’s got a sense of humor. Achidanza!

Peter Pan

I assume - or at least hope - this is another “childhood crush” one. Although I suppose technically, Pan could be as old as 70. But as a childhood crush this is textbook. Wild abandon and freedom with no scary threat of looming adulthood. Given that probably the most prominent subtext of the book Peter Pan is Wendy’s semi-realized attraction to him, this one’s halfway intentional. I say half, because it’s still not a very good movie.

Li Shang

While Hercules may have been the first to be subjected to blatant female attention, Shang got hit the hardest with it. Mulan was a film that stated in no uncertain terms “This is a HOT MAN. And Mulan KNOWS IT. HOW COULD SHE NOT?” And so does Grandmother Fa.

Beast

Beast was a tricky one for me to put on here, because half the people who voted for him specified his human form, and half of them specified his beast form. A few of the former group specified human form, but with beast voice. Since they were so specific in their votes, I considered counting them as two, but since it is, after all, the same character, I merged the votes together, and he gets number four.

Flynn Rider

Oh, this one’s easy. He’s got THE SMOLDER. All I have to say about Flynn is that if you like him, his voice actor Zachary Levi, Levi’s former show ‘Chuck’, or nerd cult classic show ‘Firefly’, watch this video. The context is that Levi offered a kiss on the cheek to anyone who’d donate 100 dollars to charity, and someone donated 1000 dollars for a kiss on the lips. And Levi gives it all you would expect from a Disney prince who has also played a super-spy and someone named Fandral the Dashing. What happens afterward is even better. And that’s how hot Flynn Rider is. Just like his actor, he effortlessly combines charm, sex appeal, and comedy style.

Prince Eric

Whaaaaaaa? Man, I always thought this guy was a bland ball of nothing, but he got a HUGE number of votes, putting him neck and neck for the first place spot. I suppose there’s some appeal in his laid-back nature, his patience, his willingness to work on the ship with his sailors… His plunging neckline? Actually, the amount of chest exposed may be key, because our winner is…

Aladdin

Yes, the street rat does good. A perfect storm of nostalgia, appealing character design, rakish yet unintimidating personality, exposed pecs… Truly, this guy had it all. It’s no wonder that for so many people, he is the Disney guy to top the list. And on top of that, he was voiced by Scott Weinger, who was being presented to us every Friday night as desirable boyfriend material. So with that in mind, I leave you with this…

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HOTTEST DISNEY LADIES - Wrap-up part 4

It is a truth universally acknowledged that cartoons can totally be hot, as Leo Tolstoy probably once said. This makes perfect sense. Whether it's childhood crushes founded on our early emotional attachments to animated characters, or simply being an adult and thinking "My, that is one attractive series of drawings." Everyone knows this to be true. In the interest of fairness, I will also be doing a hottest men list, based on surveys of straight ladies and gay dudes, but first, the ladies, based not on audience votes, but rather on my own personal opinions. You don't like it, get your own blog. The subjects were evaluated on physical attractiveness, of course, but also personality, voice, and quality of writing, because that's the kind of sensitive guy I am. They are placed, as ever, in chronological order. I will be making an effort to avoid being too base or dirty in my commentary, which is why I'll begin with this GIF, to work it out of my system.

Ah, there we go. Okay, let's begin.

Slue-Foot Sue

What can I say? I’m known to like Western ladies, and a sassy, confident cowgirl who rides a giant catfish is right up my Rio Grande. I must say, though, I hate the end she comes to, and I HATE the short she’s a part of. But still, while she's served with a thick layer of 1940s sexism and cheesiness, there's some good stuff that peeks its way in there. Take a look at the GIF, where she's daintily and calmly stepping up to sit on a horse that is mostly known for murdering people. That is style. I looked for a GIF of her riding the catfish at the beginning,  which would be much more self-explanatory, but I couldn't find one. And I'd like you all to appreciate my restraint in not leading with this.

Keeping it classy here, folks.

Briar Rose

I feel a little weird about this, since she’s canonically 16 years old, but come on, look at her. She’s clearly at least 30. Maybe this takes place in a fantasy land with double-size years. Like Westeros. Does Sleeping beauty take place on Westeros? I’m just going to pretend it does. House Beauty: Ours Is The Napping.

Anita Dearly

I went over this in the review. She’s introduced wearing glasses and a hat, and giving the stinkeye to some goon who interrupts her reading. I’m in love already. I’m a bit annoyed that she doesn’t seem to have a career after marriage, for which I blame the 1960s. Or maybe we just don’t see it. Okay, I’m going to assume she’s an art critic/novelist. Awwwww yeah.

Vanessa

Many straight guys and gay ladies of my acquaintance were surprised that Ariel didn’t make my initial list, so in fairness I went back and took another look at the Little Mermaid. Ariel still didn’t do anything for me, but I have to say, Vanessa’s got it going on. Oh, sure, she’s an evil hypnotizing murderer who’s secretly a slimy purple tentacle monster, but so what? Like you’re so perfect. If she tries to murder me, that’s just something we can work through. Now that I think of it, people were also surprised Jasmine didn’t make my list. Maybe it’s just a midriff thing.

Belle

I don’t think anyone will be surprised that I have a thing for the person who’s into books over all else. As an adult, I have some issues with her character, particularly in the first scene (I mean, she could at least buy the damn book), but she’s still totally hot. I may have written fan fiction as a tween where she was dating on original character suspiciously similar to me. No, you can’t read it, as it does not exist anymore. And even if it did, no.

Megara

Megara’s got a fantastic personality, does not have time for your nonsense, and has hips that do not lie. Speaking of which, I think the extreme stylization of this movie makes it easier to accept the equally extreme skinniness that affects too many animated women. I mean, I appreciate Meg’s hips, but she does look like a stiff wind could crack her in half. But in this movie's style, she can still look strong. Oh, and she also does a good stinkeye. I think that's more important to me in a woman than I realized.

Fa Mulan

Total badass here. I don’t want to meet a person who doesn’t have Mulan on their list, because I don’t associate with liars and idiots. I am perpetually annoyed at the way she is treated by the Disney Princess line, by always and only emphasizing the “girly” aspect of her character, because the full embracing of masculine and feminine aspects is what makes her so attractive. Also worth noting, she’s the first Disney character with an extended nude scene. Hey now.

Jane Porter

Okay, she’s basically Belle (albeit somewhat pointier due to the film’s design) only instead of just reading, it’s reading, drawing, AND SCIENCE! And she’s got an English accent! I mean, come on. That's hardly even fair.

Nani Pelekai

Nani’s appearance has been commented on in several places, that they were able to keep her stylized and cartoonish, while still giving her proportions based on real life, and that is what makes her amazingly hot. Like I mentioned above, mean, a lot of these women have serious wasp waists, and it’s kind of off-putting. None of them would look at home on a surfboard. Also good at the stinkeye, as seen above.

Sarah Hawkins

Not only is she very attractive, devoted to her family even in difficult times, and not willing to put up with shenanigans, she runs a SPACE HOTEL! Do you understand how hot that is to me? "Hey, Brian, what's the hottest job a woman could have?" "Oh, that's easy, proprietor of a space hotel." "How about if she also wears old-timey clothes even though it's the future?" "You are speaking my language." 

Frannie Robinson

Back when I was in high school, my reasons for watching Mad TV were 80% crush on Nicole Sullivan, with the rest being a pretty equal combination of the comedy stylings of Will Sasso and needing something to do when SNL was at commercials. The reasons I like Frannie Robinson are 80% voice of Nicole Sullivan, and the rest being a pretty equal split between future hair and musical frogs. And yes, future fashion in the future is as attractive to me as old-timey fashion in the future. I am a study in contrasts.

Tiana

Not only is she lovely, she’s passionate about her work, and is actually taking steps to improve her life, which I find simply delightful. I think a part of what makes her so appealing to me is that much like Nani, the animators went to great effort to depict Tiana’s features in a manner that, while being stylized and cartoony,  is still racially realistic, unlike Jasmine, who doesn’t look Middle Eastern, or Pocahontas, who barely looks human. This extra layer of attention goes a long way. Also, those beignets look freaking yummy.

Rapunzel

Not only do we have here another princess who goes out and does things for herself, we also have another character who values learning, reading, and art over everything else. Thankfully, she's too earnest and optimistic to give stinkeyes, or else I might go crazy. I’d like to note that her short hair from the ending was much better, but I couldn’t find a GIF of that, and I’m not going to switch to stills this late in the game. So I went for her being clumsy. Mandy Moore being clumsy: Hot on Scrubs, hot in animation.

Nicole Sullivan was also on Scrubs, but the only GIFs I could find were from the SADDEST EPISODE EVER.

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