It is a truth universally acknowledged that cartoons can totally be hot, as Leo Tolstoy probably once said. This makes perfect sense. Whether it's childhood crushes founded on our early emotional attachments to animated characters, or simply being an adult and thinking "My, that is one attractive series of drawings." Everyone knows this to be true. In the interest of fairness, I will also be doing a hottest men list, based on surveys of straight ladies and gay dudes, but first, the ladies, based not on audience votes, but rather on my own personal opinions. You don't like it, get your own blog. The subjects were evaluated on physical attractiveness, of course, but also personality, voice, and quality of writing, because that's the kind of sensitive guy I am. They are placed, as ever, in chronological order. I will be making an effort to avoid being too base or dirty in my commentary, which is why I'll begin with this GIF, to work it out of my system.
Ah, there we go. Okay, let's begin.
Slue-Foot Sue
What can I say? I’m known to like Western ladies, and a sassy, confident cowgirl who rides a giant catfish is right up my Rio Grande. I must say, though, I hate the end she comes to, and I HATE the short she’s a part of. But still, while she's served with a thick layer of 1940s sexism and cheesiness, there's some good stuff that peeks its way in there. Take a look at the GIF, where she's daintily and calmly stepping up to sit on a horse that is mostly known for murdering people. That is style. I looked for a GIF of her riding the catfish at the beginning, which would be much more self-explanatory, but I couldn't find one. And I'd like you all to appreciate my restraint in not leading with this.
Keeping it classy here, folks.
Briar Rose
I feel a little weird about this, since she’s canonically 16 years old, but come on, look at her. She’s clearly at least 30. Maybe this takes place in a fantasy land with double-size years. Like Westeros. Does Sleeping beauty take place on Westeros? I’m just going to pretend it does. House Beauty: Ours Is The Napping.
Anita Dearly
I went over this in the review. She’s introduced wearing glasses and a hat, and giving the stinkeye to some goon who interrupts her reading. I’m in love already. I’m a bit annoyed that she doesn’t seem to have a career after marriage, for which I blame the 1960s. Or maybe we just don’t see it. Okay, I’m going to assume she’s an art critic/novelist. Awwwww yeah.
Vanessa
Many straight guys and gay ladies of my acquaintance were surprised that Ariel didn’t make my initial list, so in fairness I went back and took another look at the Little Mermaid. Ariel still didn’t do anything for me, but I have to say, Vanessa’s got it going on. Oh, sure, she’s an evil hypnotizing murderer who’s secretly a slimy purple tentacle monster, but so what? Like you’re so perfect. If she tries to murder me, that’s just something we can work through. Now that I think of it, people were also surprised Jasmine didn’t make my list. Maybe it’s just a midriff thing.
Belle
I don’t think anyone will be surprised that I have a thing for the person who’s into books over all else. As an adult, I have some issues with her character, particularly in the first scene (I mean, she could at least buy the damn book), but she’s still totally hot. I may have written fan fiction as a tween where she was dating on original character suspiciously similar to me. No, you can’t read it, as it does not exist anymore. And even if it did, no.
Megara
Megara’s got a fantastic personality, does not have time for your nonsense, and has hips that do not lie. Speaking of which, I think the extreme stylization of this movie makes it easier to accept the equally extreme skinniness that affects too many animated women. I mean, I appreciate Meg’s hips, but she does look like a stiff wind could crack her in half. But in this movie's style, she can still look strong. Oh, and she also does a good stinkeye. I think that's more important to me in a woman than I realized.
Fa Mulan
Total badass here. I don’t want to meet a person who doesn’t have Mulan on their list, because I don’t associate with liars and idiots. I am perpetually annoyed at the way she is treated by the Disney Princess line, by always and only emphasizing the “girly” aspect of her character, because the full embracing of masculine and feminine aspects is what makes her so attractive. Also worth noting, she’s the first Disney character with an extended nude scene. Hey now.
Jane Porter
Okay, she’s basically Belle (albeit somewhat pointier due to the film’s design) only instead of just reading, it’s reading, drawing, AND SCIENCE! And she’s got an English accent! I mean, come on. That's hardly even fair.
Nani Pelekai
Nani’s appearance has been commented on in several places, that they were able to keep her stylized and cartoonish, while still giving her proportions based on real life, and that is what makes her amazingly hot. Like I mentioned above, mean, a lot of these women have serious wasp waists, and it’s kind of off-putting. None of them would look at home on a surfboard. Also good at the stinkeye, as seen above.
Sarah Hawkins
Not only is she very attractive, devoted to her family even in difficult times, and not willing to put up with shenanigans, she runs a SPACE HOTEL! Do you understand how hot that is to me? "Hey, Brian, what's the hottest job a woman could have?" "Oh, that's easy, proprietor of a space hotel." "How about if she also wears old-timey clothes even though it's the future?" "You are speaking my language."
Frannie Robinson
Back when I was in high school, my reasons for watching Mad TV were 80% crush on Nicole Sullivan, with the rest being a pretty equal combination of the comedy stylings of Will Sasso and needing something to do when SNL was at commercials. The reasons I like Frannie Robinson are 80% voice of Nicole Sullivan, and the rest being a pretty equal split between future hair and musical frogs. And yes, future fashion in the future is as attractive to me as old-timey fashion in the future. I am a study in contrasts.
Tiana
Not only is she lovely, she’s passionate about her work, and is actually taking steps to improve her life, which I find simply delightful. I think a part of what makes her so appealing to me is that much like Nani, the animators went to great effort to depict Tiana’s features in a manner that, while being stylized and cartoony, is still racially realistic, unlike Jasmine, who doesn’t look Middle Eastern, or Pocahontas, who barely looks human. This extra layer of attention goes a long way. Also, those beignets look freaking yummy.
Rapunzel
Not only do we have here another princess who goes out and does things for herself, we also have another character who values learning, reading, and art over everything else. Thankfully, she's too earnest and optimistic to give stinkeyes, or else I might go crazy. I’d like to note that her short hair from the ending was much better, but I couldn’t find a GIF of that, and I’m not going to switch to stills this late in the game. So I went for her being clumsy. Mandy Moore being clumsy: Hot on Scrubs, hot in animation.
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| Nicole Sullivan was also on Scrubs, but the only GIFs I could find were from the SADDEST EPISODE EVER. |
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